19.3.12
Concrete Angel
I didn't know when it started, maybe when we first entered University, but I felt like there was something between us. Honestly, it still does, but I guess it was all just one sided. I'd never expect myself to fall for someone like him, hell, I never expected myself to really fall for anyone anymore. I don't know if I really fell for him, but it felt like I was stabbed in the chest when I was told he already had someone for him. I haven't felt this hurt in such a long time. I couldn't remember what it felt like to shed tears for a guy, not until now. I promised myself I wouldn't, so I didn't, but I feel so hurt. It almost feels like betrayal in a way. I just want time to stop so I can run away, bandage myself. To think, I'd knock these walls down for him, I'll only build them higher.
15.1.12
Scared
I'm almost halfway done university and I'm scared as hell. Not scared of what's ahead of me after graduation but the next few years that will lead me to it. I've never had to doubt myself, especially with school, but there's this undying anxiety inside of me.
Because I decided to switch majors, I'm at a big disadvantage, I'm practically behind an entire year and yes, time matters to me.. alot. I can't help but feel disappointed knowing I might have to take an extra semester, it'll sadden me very much if I see all my friends graduating without me, but that's the least of my worries. Computer science is not exactly an easy degree, there's so much programming involved, as much as I enjoy it, I don't know if I'll be able to make it. That's not even it, I might have to take 4 comp sci courses in one semester, and for sure I know that'll be hell, especially with third and fourth year courses. I feel as if I'm scaring myself too much, but I'll have to face it sooner or later.
I'm at too much unease. I'm loosing faith in myself, as lame as it may seem, I need some reassurance and confidence. I just want to get past these next few years.
Because I decided to switch majors, I'm at a big disadvantage, I'm practically behind an entire year and yes, time matters to me.. alot. I can't help but feel disappointed knowing I might have to take an extra semester, it'll sadden me very much if I see all my friends graduating without me, but that's the least of my worries. Computer science is not exactly an easy degree, there's so much programming involved, as much as I enjoy it, I don't know if I'll be able to make it. That's not even it, I might have to take 4 comp sci courses in one semester, and for sure I know that'll be hell, especially with third and fourth year courses. I feel as if I'm scaring myself too much, but I'll have to face it sooner or later.
I'm at too much unease. I'm loosing faith in myself, as lame as it may seem, I need some reassurance and confidence. I just want to get past these next few years.
9.1.12
First Day
Seriously.. Looking at other people's schedule on facebook makes me feel so sad. I mean everyone's getting off at 2pm and I get off at 5pm, every single day. That really sucks, and I don't even start late either! I start at like 9 or 10 everyday. But besides the stupid schedule, my first day actually wasn't too bad, I had a 3 hour break but at least I didn't skip any classes.
First class @ 11am, Explorations in Information Security and Privacy. There's two people I know in that class! So I'm not alone, yay! I actually think I'm going to like this class, probably no programming assignments which is a big plus, although I kind of like programming, it takes up wayyy too much time. The topics also seem very interesting such as cryptography, viruses, and malware among other topics.
After my three long hour break with some lovely ladies, I had Archaeology & Popular Culture. Now this class is a class I don't want to take. It is terribly boring. I almost fell asleep, I don't want to be paying $500 + for an option class that I do not want to take, and the grading scheme kinda sucks, a 75% is a C+? Common, it's supposed to be an option! Maybe the course material is easy, but its waayyyyy too boring. I think I'm going to switch into a geology class, at least I probably won't fall asleep... I hope.
Last class of the day that ends at 4:50pm!.... Linear algebra. Man, I am going to die in this course. I haven't done any math in the LONGEST time, I was sitting in the lecture and I got confused, that's soo sad. And you know what else sucks? My prof's writing is too messy, his '1's look like '^', like common. I would not take this course if it wasn't a requirement. Good luck to me because I suck at math.
Hopefully tomorrow's courses will be much better.
First class @ 11am, Explorations in Information Security and Privacy. There's two people I know in that class! So I'm not alone, yay! I actually think I'm going to like this class, probably no programming assignments which is a big plus, although I kind of like programming, it takes up wayyy too much time. The topics also seem very interesting such as cryptography, viruses, and malware among other topics.
After my three long hour break with some lovely ladies, I had Archaeology & Popular Culture. Now this class is a class I don't want to take. It is terribly boring. I almost fell asleep, I don't want to be paying $500 + for an option class that I do not want to take, and the grading scheme kinda sucks, a 75% is a C+? Common, it's supposed to be an option! Maybe the course material is easy, but its waayyyyy too boring. I think I'm going to switch into a geology class, at least I probably won't fall asleep... I hope.
Last class of the day that ends at 4:50pm!.... Linear algebra. Man, I am going to die in this course. I haven't done any math in the LONGEST time, I was sitting in the lecture and I got confused, that's soo sad. And you know what else sucks? My prof's writing is too messy, his '1's look like '^', like common. I would not take this course if it wasn't a requirement. Good luck to me because I suck at math.
Hopefully tomorrow's courses will be much better.
8.1.12
Mentality
I cannot believe my first lecture and the start of Winter semester is in less than 12 hours. For some reason I feel overly anxious. I'm sooooo scared for my computer science courses and linear algebra. Programming takes a very long time for me, it will be for sure the reason I run out of time for other things. I haven't done any math besides calculus (which is a whole different kind of math in my opinion) in 2 years, plus, linear algebra is a engineering course, all my engineering friends tell me how bad it is.
I'm scared like hell and I've never felt like this, ever, for school. Maybe because I'm actually taking University more seriously, I worry more. I mean, marks always mattered to me, but it was never much difficulty to achieve a decent mark, up until post secondary, I actually have to work for my A's. I remember taking first semester as a joke and screwing up big time, and boy have I learned my lesson. I've cut my skipping habit to less than half by second semester, which is a big deal considering I used to skip classes so much that classmates were actually surprised to see me in class. That's pretty bad.
Despite all that, I'd have to say that I've learned a lot from my mistakes, I've totally taken on a new mentality to strive harder for my degree. Yes, this mentality is only present for school, anything unrelated is dealt with by the very lazy part of me. I mean, I still get my lazy days for school, and definitely procrastination, but that happens a lot less often now. I hope that I'll only get better at managing my time and working hard the next 2 years or so to get this degree.
Winter 2012, please be good to me.
I'm scared like hell and I've never felt like this, ever, for school. Maybe because I'm actually taking University more seriously, I worry more. I mean, marks always mattered to me, but it was never much difficulty to achieve a decent mark, up until post secondary, I actually have to work for my A's. I remember taking first semester as a joke and screwing up big time, and boy have I learned my lesson. I've cut my skipping habit to less than half by second semester, which is a big deal considering I used to skip classes so much that classmates were actually surprised to see me in class. That's pretty bad.
Despite all that, I'd have to say that I've learned a lot from my mistakes, I've totally taken on a new mentality to strive harder for my degree. Yes, this mentality is only present for school, anything unrelated is dealt with by the very lazy part of me. I mean, I still get my lazy days for school, and definitely procrastination, but that happens a lot less often now. I hope that I'll only get better at managing my time and working hard the next 2 years or so to get this degree.
Winter 2012, please be good to me.
Guilt
My heart is hurting. I don't even know how to describe it but, its definitely guilt. I just have to let it out, keeping it inside is making me go insane.
So on Thursday, a few of my friends came over to help me build my computer. I've never had a desktop in my life, I remember that the only time I ever had on the computer was when my brother wasn't home. That all changed when I transferred high school in grade 11 and my parents finally realized that I kind of needed to use a computer for homework. I remember I got a laptop with the biggest screen. At that time, I was able to convince my parents that I was going to use it for University, but really, I wanted a big screen so I could enjoy my dramas. When I entered University, I learned that a big laptop was NOT the way to go, I mean by that time, it was already pretty old and battery life did not last an hour, not to mention it was heavy cause it was so big. I think within the first week my mom bought me a smaller laptop, at least it wasn't TOO expensive, about $500?
After surviving through first semester, I came to learn that, hp connects to the internet 10 minutes after class has started and it doesn't last for more than two lectures because battery life sucked. I also learned that MacBooks connects to WiFi in no time and has up to 8 hours of battery life, not to mention its also very appealing, a lot of University students have one and it was a MacBook. I wanted a MacBook for Winter semester and was going to buy one but my mom wouldn't let me spend my money on something I was going to use for school, so she ended up paying for the whole thing. I loved my Mac, but second year comes and I realize that Biological Science was not the path I want to take, instead, I chose computer science (I decided after my first semester of second year). Can you see where I'm getting at now?
Fall semester of second year, I'm taking my first computer science course and of course its programming. Our school uses the Linux operating system so its different from what I've used. The first assignment, I was able to code on my Mac but it wasn't exactly easy, and I had to add more to my program than I needed. For the rest of my assignments I started to use the school's computers. The third assignment was hard, I remember putting 20 hours into it >.>, I had to stay late at school and even go to school on weekends and my day off. It just got too inconvenient. I started to hate my Mac. At that time for some stupid reason, I thought that having Windows would be better, but its not because I would still have to use different codes for my program. But I told my mom anyways that I wanted an actual PC so I could use it for school, once again, I told her I would buy it myself.
Of course she wouldn't let me pay for it all, but I didn't want her to pay for any of it, she's already given me more than enough. Me and my friends decided to build one. She paid for the processor, power source, monitor and hard drive. I bought the case, video card, RAM and motherboard. And guess what kind of computer I built... a gaming one. I had the Intel Core i7 2600k processor, a HIS Radeon HD 6950 video card and an Antec Nine Hundred II V3 gamer case. All these are excessive and clearly I do not need these for school. I had an amazing time building it and was so excited to blog about it but I was too tired on Thursday. I was going to do it on Friday but then I figured I should download everything on my lovely new gaming computer. When I got to the point where I was installing Ubuntu (a spinoff of Linux so I really can use it for school), it didn't work. I kept getting a busybox message. I spent all day troubleshooting, but nothing worked out at all, I couldn't install Ubuntu, I couldn't even get it to work with a demo version on the LiveCD. At that point, I felt soooo shitty. It just broke my heart that I wasted my parent's money.
I couldn't get it out of my mind yesterday and today, all I kept thinking was, "I wasted my parent's money, I wasted my parent's money." I couldn't even sleep last night, thinking how I was going to break it to my mom, telling her that the money she dumped was for a, in her mind, useless junk. While thinking about how I wasted her money on the gaming computer, it just reminded me how I wasted her money when I bought the smaller laptop and MacBook, I should of just bought a MacBook.
My heart dropped and its still in the pits but I was able to install Ubuntu on the laptop I got for first semester, so I'll be using that. I also learned on Friday that I can use Ubuntu via a virtual machine on my MacBook, I should of done more researching. On top of all that, I could of easily saved $300 on parts if I did some researching and bought it on boxing day. Gamming computer.. completely useless for school. I just wish my mom hadn't paid for anything, at least I wouldn't feel as bad, but she won't take my money at all. You could say I'm a spoiled brat, I want to deny it, but I'd only be lying to myself. This is all on me, its my fault for being lazy and not researching, I just can't but help beat myself up for it...
So on Thursday, a few of my friends came over to help me build my computer. I've never had a desktop in my life, I remember that the only time I ever had on the computer was when my brother wasn't home. That all changed when I transferred high school in grade 11 and my parents finally realized that I kind of needed to use a computer for homework. I remember I got a laptop with the biggest screen. At that time, I was able to convince my parents that I was going to use it for University, but really, I wanted a big screen so I could enjoy my dramas. When I entered University, I learned that a big laptop was NOT the way to go, I mean by that time, it was already pretty old and battery life did not last an hour, not to mention it was heavy cause it was so big. I think within the first week my mom bought me a smaller laptop, at least it wasn't TOO expensive, about $500?
After surviving through first semester, I came to learn that, hp connects to the internet 10 minutes after class has started and it doesn't last for more than two lectures because battery life sucked. I also learned that MacBooks connects to WiFi in no time and has up to 8 hours of battery life, not to mention its also very appealing, a lot of University students have one and it was a MacBook. I wanted a MacBook for Winter semester and was going to buy one but my mom wouldn't let me spend my money on something I was going to use for school, so she ended up paying for the whole thing. I loved my Mac, but second year comes and I realize that Biological Science was not the path I want to take, instead, I chose computer science (I decided after my first semester of second year). Can you see where I'm getting at now?
Fall semester of second year, I'm taking my first computer science course and of course its programming. Our school uses the Linux operating system so its different from what I've used. The first assignment, I was able to code on my Mac but it wasn't exactly easy, and I had to add more to my program than I needed. For the rest of my assignments I started to use the school's computers. The third assignment was hard, I remember putting 20 hours into it >.>, I had to stay late at school and even go to school on weekends and my day off. It just got too inconvenient. I started to hate my Mac. At that time for some stupid reason, I thought that having Windows would be better, but its not because I would still have to use different codes for my program. But I told my mom anyways that I wanted an actual PC so I could use it for school, once again, I told her I would buy it myself.
Of course she wouldn't let me pay for it all, but I didn't want her to pay for any of it, she's already given me more than enough. Me and my friends decided to build one. She paid for the processor, power source, monitor and hard drive. I bought the case, video card, RAM and motherboard. And guess what kind of computer I built... a gaming one. I had the Intel Core i7 2600k processor, a HIS Radeon HD 6950 video card and an Antec Nine Hundred II V3 gamer case. All these are excessive and clearly I do not need these for school. I had an amazing time building it and was so excited to blog about it but I was too tired on Thursday. I was going to do it on Friday but then I figured I should download everything on my lovely new gaming computer. When I got to the point where I was installing Ubuntu (a spinoff of Linux so I really can use it for school), it didn't work. I kept getting a busybox message. I spent all day troubleshooting, but nothing worked out at all, I couldn't install Ubuntu, I couldn't even get it to work with a demo version on the LiveCD. At that point, I felt soooo shitty. It just broke my heart that I wasted my parent's money.
I couldn't get it out of my mind yesterday and today, all I kept thinking was, "I wasted my parent's money, I wasted my parent's money." I couldn't even sleep last night, thinking how I was going to break it to my mom, telling her that the money she dumped was for a, in her mind, useless junk. While thinking about how I wasted her money on the gaming computer, it just reminded me how I wasted her money when I bought the smaller laptop and MacBook, I should of just bought a MacBook.
My heart dropped and its still in the pits but I was able to install Ubuntu on the laptop I got for first semester, so I'll be using that. I also learned on Friday that I can use Ubuntu via a virtual machine on my MacBook, I should of done more researching. On top of all that, I could of easily saved $300 on parts if I did some researching and bought it on boxing day. Gamming computer.. completely useless for school. I just wish my mom hadn't paid for anything, at least I wouldn't feel as bad, but she won't take my money at all. You could say I'm a spoiled brat, I want to deny it, but I'd only be lying to myself. This is all on me, its my fault for being lazy and not researching, I just can't but help beat myself up for it...
4.1.12
Late Refletion
I know it's kind of late, but I've been doing some reflecting on the year that just past by. I've been so busy that I kind of let new years come without thinking about how I'm going to make this year better than all the others. I'm not really the one to make any resolutions because I never follow through. "Its just another day", is what I've been telling myself. After all.. it really is just another day. But when I went to bed last night, I couldn't sleep, it kind of just hit me.. I'm not all that satisfied with my life. I told myself many times before, I'm content. Maybe I was, or maybe I was afraid of wanting more because I couldn't make it happen for myself.
Looking back, I've changed drastically, I used to hang out with my friends all the time, spend money like it was nothing (I was a very impulsive shopper), I had more confidence in myself, had a higher self esteem, I even had a big ego, but now I feel like a whole different person. I'm so much more conserved, most of my self confidence is gone and my ego is barely even there. I don't know what happened, I guess I started to realize what was more important, I stopped going out to save money, since I don't have a job anymore and also to study, I now take school more seriously after first year. But once that all started, I also started to stop talking to most of my friends, always turning down hangouts and parties. I pretty much became anti-social. It wasn't that bad at first, because I finally had time to myself to do whatever I wanted, but eventually, I just got really lazy and just didn't want to make the effort to go out and do anything with people.
During this winter break, I went out everyday, today is the first day I'm actually at home doing nothing at all. That's probably more than all that I've been out in the summer (badminton and running doesn't count). It just kind of made me realized how much I really miss spending time with my friends. Too bad winter semester begins on Monday, I'm going to turn back into a hermit.
Looking back, I've changed drastically, I used to hang out with my friends all the time, spend money like it was nothing (I was a very impulsive shopper), I had more confidence in myself, had a higher self esteem, I even had a big ego, but now I feel like a whole different person. I'm so much more conserved, most of my self confidence is gone and my ego is barely even there. I don't know what happened, I guess I started to realize what was more important, I stopped going out to save money, since I don't have a job anymore and also to study, I now take school more seriously after first year. But once that all started, I also started to stop talking to most of my friends, always turning down hangouts and parties. I pretty much became anti-social. It wasn't that bad at first, because I finally had time to myself to do whatever I wanted, but eventually, I just got really lazy and just didn't want to make the effort to go out and do anything with people.
During this winter break, I went out everyday, today is the first day I'm actually at home doing nothing at all. That's probably more than all that I've been out in the summer (badminton and running doesn't count). It just kind of made me realized how much I really miss spending time with my friends. Too bad winter semester begins on Monday, I'm going to turn back into a hermit.
9.2.11
First
This took me quite a while to figure out, it's a lot harder than it seems. A friend first showed me this blogging site a long time ago and she encouraged me to make one. I always told her, "when I have time!" Hmmm, I guess I finally found some time around my busy schedule. Nothing extraordinary, just an average university student struggling to get by her first year. This is the perfect place for me to just dump the thoughts I can't speak out loud, after all, who doesn't need a place to just vent and express their thoughts?
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