Guilt

My heart is hurting. I don't even know how to describe it but, its definitely guilt. I just have to let it out, keeping it inside is making me go insane.

So on Thursday, a few of my friends came over to help me build my computer. I've never had a desktop in my life, I remember that the only time I ever had on the computer was when my brother wasn't home. That all changed when I transferred high school in grade 11 and my parents finally realized that I kind of needed to use a computer for homework. I remember I got a laptop with the biggest screen. At that time, I was able to convince my parents that I was going to use it for University, but really, I wanted a big screen so I could enjoy my dramas. When I entered University, I learned that a big laptop was NOT the way to go, I mean by that time, it was already pretty old and battery life did not last an hour, not to mention it was heavy cause it was so big. I think within the first week my mom bought me a smaller laptop, at least it wasn't TOO expensive, about $500?

After surviving through first semester, I came to learn that, hp connects to the internet 10 minutes after class has started and it doesn't last for more than two lectures because battery life sucked. I also learned that MacBooks connects to WiFi in no time and has up to 8 hours of battery life, not to mention its also very appealing, a lot of University students have one and it was a MacBook. I wanted a MacBook for Winter semester and was going to buy one but my mom wouldn't let me spend my money on something I was going to use for school, so she ended up paying for the whole thing. I loved my Mac, but second year comes and I realize that Biological Science was not the path I want to take, instead, I chose computer science (I decided after my first semester of second year). Can you see where I'm getting at now?

Fall semester of second year, I'm taking my first computer science course and of course its programming. Our school uses the Linux operating system so its different from what I've used. The first assignment, I was able to code on my Mac but it wasn't exactly easy, and I had to add more to my program than I needed. For the rest of my assignments I started to use the school's computers. The third assignment was hard, I remember putting 20 hours into it >.>, I had to stay late at school and even go to school on weekends and my day off. It just got too inconvenient. I started to hate my Mac. At that time for some stupid reason, I thought that having Windows would be better, but its not because I would still have to use different codes for my program. But I told my mom anyways that I wanted an actual PC so I could use it for school, once again, I told her I would buy it myself.

Of course she wouldn't let me pay for it all, but I didn't want her to pay for any of it, she's already given me more than enough. Me and my friends decided to build one. She paid for the processor, power source, monitor and hard drive. I bought the case, video card, RAM and motherboard. And guess what kind of computer I built... a gaming one. I had the Intel Core i7 2600k processor, a HIS Radeon HD 6950 video card and an Antec Nine Hundred II V3 gamer case. All these are excessive and clearly I do not need these for school. I had an amazing time building it and was so excited to blog about it but I was too tired on Thursday. I was going to do it on Friday but then I figured I should download everything on my lovely new gaming computer. When I got to the point where I was installing Ubuntu (a spinoff of Linux so I really can use it for school), it didn't work. I kept getting a busybox message. I spent all day troubleshooting, but nothing worked out at all, I couldn't install Ubuntu, I couldn't even get it to work with a demo version on the LiveCD. At that point, I felt soooo shitty. It just broke my heart that I wasted my parent's money.

I couldn't get it out of my mind yesterday and today, all I kept thinking was, "I wasted my parent's money, I wasted my parent's money." I couldn't even sleep last night, thinking how I was going to break it to my mom, telling her that the money she dumped was for a, in her mind, useless junk. While thinking about how I wasted her money on the gaming computer, it just reminded me how I wasted her money when I bought the smaller laptop and MacBook, I should of just bought a MacBook.

My heart dropped and its still in the pits but I was able to install Ubuntu on the laptop I got for first semester, so I'll be using that. I also learned on Friday that I can use Ubuntu via a virtual machine on my MacBook, I should of done more researching. On top of all that, I could of easily saved $300 on parts if I did some researching and bought it on boxing day. Gamming computer.. completely useless for school. I just wish my mom hadn't paid for anything, at least I wouldn't feel as bad, but she won't take my money at all. You could say I'm a spoiled brat, I want to deny it, but I'd only be lying to myself. This is all on me, its my fault for being lazy and not researching, I just can't but help beat myself up for it...